Life Is A Vapor

Sept. 30th, 2010












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  This year I couldn't "give" Pa a birthday present. Couldn't see him open it and smile as he ran his knife down the edges of the package cutting through the tape, not wanting to tear the paper or bug his eyes out and laugh when he saw the gift. I couldn't feel his arms around me as he hugged me and thanked me for a material gift I'd gone out and bought for his enjoyment or use.  This year all I could give him was this poem...   That is what I said last year in 2009 and it will be that way every year.  This year I wrote a song instead. It's my way of dealing with my feelings and my way of recognizing that my grandpa existed and was important in my life and that he's not forgotten.  In the song I make reference to "I still feel you standing next to me"..there have been times and one in particular I remember that it wasn't long after Pa died that I was alone in my house in front of a mirror fixing my hair to go somewhere when I had this funny feeling. I didn't know what it was at first, it was just a weird feeling.  I stood there trying to figure out what it felt like when I realized that it felt like someone staring at me or watching me or that someone was close and I had never in my life had that feeling before when no one was around and I don't know whether or not it was true but I thought to myself that it was either  the presence of God or that it was Pa and when I thought it, it "felt right", just like recognizing someone's face you're looking at. There are a lot of those things in this song that are totally true.
Walking through that cemetary gate always seems like it's cold. I don't see Pa unless I dream about him. There isn't a statue of Jesus, but of  a little child with a lion and a lamb and his headstone does read Life Is But A Vapor. Someone did mention to us one time that after a while he would just become a memory and I'm sure they said it in the sweetest of sentiments, but it just hit me wrong and I didn't want that to happen at all. I don't want him to be just reduced to a memory and I try to find ways every day to make him a part of my life. There have been times before that I experience something and the first thing I think of is calling Pa to tell him and then I remember. It's hard when I'm out in public and smell someone with Pa's aftershave on because I recognize the smell and it brings so many emotions right to the surface and at times I have caught a whiff of it without anyone around, maybe it's just my imagination. I do see doves quite a lot and butterflies like he and I took a photo of a couple of weeks before he died and I sometimes wonder if that is the only way God will let someone's spirit visit. There are a few line in the Bible that says we have a "cloud of witnesses" that possibly watch over us, but it doesn't say for sure whether or not they come down to earth in any way, so sometimes I wonder and maybe that's all we're supposed to do is wonder. I hope you enjoy what I've written.  It started out with just the words "And there's a statue of Jesus standing on your stone..." and the rest just very easily fell into place so quickly that I could hardly write them down and it was very emotional for me. I wrote most of it within 30 minutes and the rest a couple of days later when I had time to think.

Happy 81st Birthday Pa
















I Still Feel You Standing Next To Me

The world goes silent as I slip in through the gate

For just a little time with you alone.

With the sun up above the sky grows overcast

And a cold wind starts to blow.

I walk through the yard with all the flowers on the ground.

It’s a nice enough place or so it seems,

But the only place I see you is not here in my arms,

It’s only if I see you in my dreams.

Now there’s statue of Jesus standing on your grave,

With Life Is But A Vapor on your stone.

I’ve begged the Lord to take me

Up there where you are.

Ever since the day that you’ve been gone.

And I don’t think it’s fair when people say you’ll just become a memory….

Even in the quietest of times, I still feel you standing next to me.

I saw a dove fly as I was walking through the park.

Often there’s one in my back yard too.

I think to myself, and it’s crazy I know,

But I can’t help but wonder if it’s you.

And I get that smell in the air of the aftershave you wore.

I turn to look but know you won‘t be found.

And more than once I’ve dialed the phone to call you up,

Forgetting that you’re not still around.

Now there’s a statue of Jesus standing on your grave,

With Life Is But A Vapor on your stone.

I’ve begged the Lord to take me

Up there where you are.

Ever since the day that you’ve been gone.

And I don’t think it’s fair when people say you’ll just become a memory….

Even in the quietest of times, I still feel you standing next me.

I’m not sure if you can see me.

Stranger things happen every day.

I’d like to think that God might let you visit now and then,

There are some things the Bible don’t explain.

Cause I don’t think it’s fair when people say you’ll just become a memory….

Even in the quietest of times, I still feel you standing next to me.

Tamra Lockard

                                                                                 9-29-2010